February 2012
4 posts
Get out of my dreams, and let me get my Hamm into...
Dear Jon Hamm:
I know you have a girlfriend, but one time I saw you sing karaoke in a leather jacket at a lesbian bar. Also, I know you have a girlfriend, but one time I saw you at a sports bar kicking it in a real dad-looking outfit, still being a sexyface. What I’m saying is, I know you have a girlfriend.
But if there ever comes a time when you don’t have a girlfriend, I wrote...
BOOK REVIEW OF SOMEONE ELSE'S BOOK...REVIEW
ladybroblog:
by Lisa Beth Johnson
I’m at the Public Library watching people read off computers, while all around them lay discarded corpses of the printed word. I’ve decided to review a book that someone is reading based only on what I can see of it and the person reading it. After all, it’s only a matter of time before we’ll be completely unable to judge a book by its cover.
There’s an...
I HATE THE FACT THAT I LOVE ‘NEW GIRL’
ladybroblog:
by Julia Prescott
The other day I was hit with a shocking realization. I was sitting in my office, sipping away on some coffee, when the printer started to malfunction. Paper spewed out of the feeding tray as my co-worker dove in to bang it around. After 5 seconds of shaking the printer’s insides, BAM - it hit me.
Me: “Hey, do you guys watch New Girl?”
Silence.
Co-worker: “Yeah, I...
January 2012
3 posts
Megan Amram: Paula Deen’s Health Food Cook Book →
meganamram:
Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!
FRUIT SALAD
INGREDIENTS:
1 lb. bag of Skittles
3 cups ranch dressing
DIRECTIONS:
Mix well. Serve room temperature.
-
I will win him.
Are we close enough where I can practice singing “I Wanna Be Where You Are” to Stephen Malkmus in front of you and you don’t tell me you can see my crow’s feet?
As Bad As It Gets
How to write male characters: Think of a woman, and then add an unearned sense of entitlement that turns into a persecution complex when challenged in any way.
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
2 posts
October 2011
2 posts
September 2011
5 posts
2 tags
4 tags
It's Susan Sarandon Day! →
1 tag
August 2011
3 posts
2 tags
HOLD UP SLOW UP STOP CONTROL
HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU LISTEN TO BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD ON REPEAT?!
Mine is 2.
July 2011
15 posts
I WANT A BABY GOAT PUPPY MONSTER! →
partysasquatch asked: What comedic responsibilities do you have outside of social media? Do you have any kind of funny available in the marketplace?
“You can call your vagina a Tackle Box, but I hope you remembered to bring the...”
– LBJ
I want to say something that a lot of people...
bananacunt
Dear Uncle Jesus America:
Dear Uncle Jesus America:
I am so thankful we get to worship you today, the day you freed us from the horrible yoke of terror freedom that your evil twin Uncle Sam held us under for hundreds of years. We are so happy now.
Love you lots,
The JesUSA!
June 2011
5 posts
How to buy a car.
I’m an experienced car buyer, so my friend asked me if I would go with him to a dealership to get a car he wants. We have devised a plan on how to get the best possible deal. This is that plan.
It begins by walking into the dealership like a naked emperor without a care in the world. From there, go up to the biggest cock on the sales block (the one with the most hair gel and/or wacky...
http://flavorwire.com/188138/the-30-harshest-author... →
A few of my favorite things...
1. Saying “homoerotic” in a nasal British voice (whilst trilling the ‘r’)
2. My biweekly dry brush sesh
3. Pretending a reptile lives behind my eyes and tries to take over my facial expressions every once and a while
4. Seeing girls who don’t think they’re pretty quietly think they’re pretty
5. Running my tongue along the bottom of my canine teeth...
Parking Spots
Throwing Chinese stars to practice the art of war.
The sun stood high burning our skin yellow.
Polish calves do clumsy karate with a pickled brain.
Diplomacy is the most important aspect of warfare.
May 2011
6 posts
Memories, age 3-6.
Toddling around a 1/4 acre front yard, picking up pecans from under the pecan trees. One of them looks good. I kneel down on baby fatted knees. Crack it open. Ants spill out and crawl on my hands. I give a little scream and jump back. It takes me several hours before I’m brave enough to try another.
Walking in a neighbor’s field, eating a popsicle and following my brothers around....
brandonvaughn:
THINGS I OVERHEARD BEING SAID BY...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! →
Season one. Complete.
Life is Short; Art is Shorter
lareviewofbooks:
David Shields Image: Daughter of the Circus © Michael Garlington 1. Real Life At a very early age I knew I wanted to be a writer. At six or seven, I wrote stories about dancing hot dogs (paging Dr. Freud …). For a long time, being a writer meant being a journalist. My parents, both freelance journalists, were anti-models. I saw them as “frustrated writers”; hope deferred...
April 2011
13 posts
The splitting of the atoms
The trace amount of radiation you’ve
absorbed into your body
over time
from sleeping next to me
is not enough to kill you
or turn you into a powerful mutant
although on occasion
I’ve wished for both.
Dear every girl on the internet,
You’re really pretty. Can we talk about something else now?
Here’s a picture of some water spouts I saw in San Diego one time.
Period Piece
Woman who looks like Michael Hutchence dancing in front of a white backdrop. Leather pants. Come hither look. Starts singing.
“So slide over here. And give me a Motrin. My womb is so raw. I’ve got to let you know. I’ve got to let you know…”
Cut to a bottle of Motrin.
Brrrrrring!
Pardon me, my job phone is ringing off the hook!!
The Good Earth Friday
Today is Earth Day and Good Friday. It’s 4.22.2011. I read The Good Earth when I was 12 (4+2+2+2+0+1+1) and it planted an obsession for China in my brain.