I’m an experienced car buyer, so my friend asked me if I would go with him to a dealership to get a car he wants. We have devised a plan on how to get the best possible deal. This is that plan.
It begins by walking into the dealership like a naked emperor without a care in the world. From there, go up to the biggest cock on the sales block (the one with the most hair gel and/or wacky socks), and announce the following:
Hello. I’m here to buy a car. I want all of the bells and whistles and I’d like for you to give it to me for free. I would also like two Thai hookers and a large pizza. I will wait here and drink your coffee with the fancy vanilla creamer while you and your bosses get on your knees and thank your primitive God for bringing me into this establishment today.
We know this plan will likely be met with some hemming and hawing. That’s just the nature of haggling, which is a lot like playing chicken but you’re throwing prices back and forth instead of chickens. The salesman will counteroffer. Sure. Now what? We’ll pretend to listen to him. We’ll pretend to talk it over. We’ll make another offer to show how reasonable we are.
Look, I understand where you’re coming from. You guys can’t lose money on a sale. You have a family to feed. I get it, Randy (doesn’t matter, call him Randy). We both want the same thing here, so let’s work together. Forget about the two Thai whores. It’s the wrong season anyways. The pizza? Well, let’s just say two slices. I’ve got some soup at home I can eat to supplement the pizza slice. So, what do you say? Can I take the car now?
At this point he’ll have to go make a big production about talking to the owner. Typical. This is the moment to separate the balls from the bull. If he doesn’t accept the offer, the only thing for us to do is to stand up and say:
WE’LL BE TAKING OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE!
And walk out the door. Don’t look back. Never look back. On to the next dealership.
